So, I've been tagged to do this rather dodgy meme by the lovely Anindita, who probably knows how seriously I consider these things. The meme asks you to describe 8 qualities of the Perfect Lover. Oh, perfection! Oh, love! Oh, interesting philosophical problems! And apparently the sex of the desired party must be stated. I take objection to this on principle, let it be stated for the record. In practice, however (although it's been yonks) I'm heterosexual. But, let us proceed without further ado.
So, the perfect lovah:
1. Ought to be a passionate artiste, preferably with a weird accent. If last name Shakespeare, must look more like Joseph Fiennes than dubious Elizabethan portraits. Shakespeare with cow-eyes and abundant hair means Shakespeare to treasure for all time.
2. If last name Fiennes, first name preferably to be Ralph. Additional points if is maniacal misunderstood dark lord, although could do with more nose and less interest in genocide. Must not be mutilated Nazi enabler languishing in Italian villa checking out the pretty nurses (though villa is totally okay).
3. Speaking of genocide: Must not like guns. Must not like hunting. Must not think cowboys are sexy. Unless they are kissing each other. In fact, is definitely allowed to express interest in Heath Ledger as Heath is one hot rabbit. Must adore Ang Lee.
4. Or, omg, be a dashing Chinese cowboy in manner of Chen Chang. Additional points if turns out to be a Japanese actor in disguise, a la Takeshi Kaneshiro masquerading as Chinese in House of Flying Daggers.
5. Might as well speak Japanese, while at it. And lots of dead languages. Would like it if not dead himself, unlike the real Shakespeare. Must not insist on Shakespeare being scion of the House of Oxford or other snooty bastich, but celebrate his being son of soil.
6. Must not be snooty bastich, although attendant wealth/Gothic manor/hordes of lovely manslaves would be welcome. Or dark rugged superhero in leather and wool, seeking to be worthy of regaining the inheritance cruelly stolen from him when still a quickening in his mother's womb (but must bathe more than once in three days). Is okay if snooty literary bastich, although Vikram Seths generally preferable to V S Naipauls.
7. Actually, can just be very rich but thoughtful, well-spoken public man dedicated to the betterment of the people, like Rahul Gandhi, but with brains and without mother. If orphan, is not allowed to be Heathcliff, as Heathcliff VERY boring.
8. Could definitely be Johnny Depp. Apart from being uber-sexy, could then speak of children in generally disrespectful ways, such as: "When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit." May or may not love children but simply must be able to laugh at them, see.
Now, the most important part of it. These are the Tag Rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game and leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.
Okay. I've done this meme very badly, since some of the points are really two points combined in one, and some are a continuation of the point before, and all are filled with silly notions about Celebrities, who everyone knows are not Real People, and so on. (Real People are so 1990s, anyway.) Besides, there probably aren't eight people who read this blog, and I can't be arsed to comment on eight others. So, excited as I was to receive a tag myself, I shall be lazy and selfish and not bestow the honour on anyone in return. Although, both of you reading this, please know that I would love to hear about your perfect lovers, so if fancy takes you, consider yourself tag-tag-tagged!