Tuesday, December 20, 2005

on film for its own sake, with kaushik figuring prominently herewith.

Kausha, said I, what should I blog about? He said be careful, my bowtie is really a camera. Also, why don’t you blog about the Oscars?

The Oscars! exclaimed I. Those empty ceremonies of tokenism, those gold-plated doorstoppers of rooms where few women come and go, and no one talks of Michelangelo? Those craven panderers to crass commercialism?

Whatever picky girl, said Kausha. Why don’t you write about music, then?

MUSIC! I exclaimed further. I can write about music. Perhaps of the songs I’m listening to these days. Perhaps of songs I never listen to anymore. Perhaps of how I’ve switched from Winamp to iTunes in an act of craven pandering to crass commercialism.

Yes wonderful yes wonderful said Kausha, typing with one hand as he clung in desperation to the cliff-edge of life worth living with the other.

But perhaps, I mused, I ought to write about films indeed. I ought to write about films I’ve never seen, like Brokeback Mountain, but I already did that, a little. Or I should write about not having watched films at all this year, so that (to tiresomely repeat a thought I voiced to many of my friends already) I would, as a character in Asterix, be called Watchesnoflix. I ought to write about the few I’ve seen, like Harry Potter IV – which I liked – or Salaam Namaste - which I hated with the fire of a thousand suns. Or perhaps I could just talk about Romeo and Juliet. I’ve been loving on R + J all over again, but I mean of course, the play, and not the films. Or I could write about Shakespeare in Love, which I like and is about R + J in a roundabout manner.

But then Kausha went back to being a functional human being, and I went back to being left to my own devices. So I thought about some films I would really like to see (apart from the Heath Ledger-and-Jake-Gyllenhaal-push-all-my-buttons types).

I would really like to see an adaptation of the Iliad. Troy has sprawled all over rock bottom in that category, so I’m certain it can only get better. If I were to make the Iliad, I would recast Brad Pitt as Paris. Achilles and Patroklos I might retain as cousins – but more canonically, of the kissing sort. (And they would definitely push all buttons of the perverse female sections of the audience). I would flesh out the Trojans. I would follow the actions of the poem strictly, since you can’t improve upon Homer as far as continuity is concerned. And I would film it in spare blues and bronzes, in which my whippet-thin, red-haired Achilles would flicker in and out like a beautiful flame, and Hector be a tall, burnished, steady candle.

I’m waiting with bated breath for the proposed adaptation of His Dark Materials. I think the first two books and the last bit of the third will lick themselves onto film with surpassing ease. I’d definitely have cast Gary Oldman as Lord Asriel if he wasn’t, you know, not the sexiest man on earth, and I know I would expire of excitement while filming the bits with Iorek Byrnison. But I won’t have to! For Tom Stoppard is writing the screenplay, and who can write better than Tom Stoppard? Speaking of people who should be doing more work, Johnny Depp might make a fantastic Asriel.

And I might like to see more Kieslowski, except Kieslowski’s dead.

I think I’ll watch the LOTR trilogy again when I’m in Bombay.

And that is all. Kausha, you can stop pretending to be comatose now.

Like, bye.


current musix: malmö chamber choir – dotter sion, fröjda dig

you guys, you’re missing this absolutely sublime swedish version of ‘daughter of zion, rejoice’ if you haven't heard it. it will complete your lives, write your ph.ds and make you gulab jamuns. i’ve been listening to it all day.

2 comments:

  1. watchesnoflix. hilarious!! i'd be
    havenolifex

    ReplyDelete
  2. @ kausha: brother of my soul!

    ReplyDelete